And Lifestyle's Website Rules
Wow! You actually came to
Our lawyers made us include it and made us use
a precious button on our home page to get you here.
It is a sad fact that due
to the state of the World today and the 'lack mentality'
of so many people, we had to include this set of site
guidelines and rules...we didn't want to, but it was
The reason for it is that
Chloe watched me go through a bad 'net experience last
year, so she insisted that I put this page here or I
wasn't allowed to build the website...
first, we thought the lawyers were a real pain. But then
we read the page. What a Netwakening! It's really
We took the legalese the lawyers wrote
and translated it into readable English. So be a smart
nethead and read the stuff on this page. It could prevent
you from hearing from our lawyers, or worse yet, from
really nasty people, like prosecutors.
Here's the deal:
We run this site so that
people like you (and people you like) can use it for
personal entertainment, information, education,
communication, and cybergratification. So go ahead and
browse around all you like. You can even download stuff
from the site but only for non-commercial, personal use.
If you do, though, don't fool around with the copyright
and other notices all over the stuff.
They're there for a
really good reason. And don't even think about
distributing, modifying, transmitting, reusing,
re-posting, or anything else uncool with any of the stuff,
including the text, images, audio, and video, for public
or commercial purposes unless we give you written
permission. And it's not likely we will.
If you visit our site,
you're also legally obligated to [read: stuck with] the
terms and conditions listed below and any other law or
regulation that applies to the site, the Internet, the
World Wide Web, or Los Angeles, CA. You shouldn't access
or browse the site if you have any problem with that,
because once you start, there's no turning back -- you are
bound by [read: stuck with] the terms and conditions.
So here's the scoop on our
Top Ten Rules for
Cybersurfers who hang out on our site:
For everyone's sake, just assume that everything on the
site is copyrighted unless we say it's not. So you can't
use the stuff except how we say you can on this page or
anywhere else on the site without our written permission.
And like we said before, it's not likely we'll give you
permission anyway. In fact, even if we wanted to, the
lawyers are likely to veto any deal anyway. So it's better
you don't even ask.
While we try to include accurate stuff on the site, we're
not promising you it's accurate. In fact, we're not
promising you anything except fun and entertainment. So if
you use stuff on the site, you're using it at your own
risk. Don't call us if there's a problem because we assume
no liability or responsibility for errors or omissions on
We and anybody else who helped us create, produce, or
deliver the site are not liable for any damages you suffer
when you use it. In particular, the lawyers want you to
know that our disclaimer includes "direct,
incidental, consequential, indirect, or punitive damages
arising out of your access to, or use of, the site.
Without limiting the foregoing, everything on the site is
provided to you 'AS IS' WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND,
EITHER EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED
TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR
A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR NON INFRINGEMENT.
Please note that some
jurisdictions may not allow the exclusion of implied
warranties, so some of the above exclusions may not apply
to you. Check your local laws for any restrictions or
limitations regarding the exclusion of implied warranties.
" Ugh! What a mouthful from the mouthpieces.
all of that in quotes because we couldn't figure out any
other way to say it that the lawyers would accept. But
here's the bottom line -- we're not responsible if you're
browsing around and the site damages you or your computer
or infects it with any nasty viruses. We sure hope that
doesn't happen, but if it does, don't call us.
If you don't want the world to know something, don't post
in on the site in any bulletin board or anyplace else.
That's because anything you disclose to us is ours. That's
right -- ours. So we can do anything we want with the
stuff you post. We can reproduce it, disclose it, transmit
it, publish it, broadcast it, and post it someplace else.
We can even send it to your mother (as soon as we find her
Not only that, we can even use any ideas,
concepts, know-how, or techniques you post any way we want
to, including, developing, manufacturing and marketing
products or other stuff using the information you post.
Pictures of people or places shown on the site are either
our property or someone else's property we're using with
their permission. No matter what, it's definitely not your
property. You or any of your net-friends can't use it
unless we said you could on this page or somewhere else on
And guess what -- we won't say yes. So be
careful, Bunky, because unauthorized use may violate all
sorts of nasty laws. Be smart, keep the stuff you download
There's also a lot of trademarks, logos, and service marks
on the site that either we own or we're using with someone
else's permission. So don't think you have any kind of
license or right to use them, because you don't and we're
not about to give you one.
If you don't leave them alone
and mess with our trademarks, logos and service marks on
our site, we'll probably go ballistic, so will the
companies that own the other trademarks, logos and service
marks. That means that we're likely to sue you or to ask a
prosecutor to come after you for messing around with our
property or the property of others.
You'll probably notice we've linked our site to lots of
others. While that's cool, it doesn't mean we've looked at
all those sites, much less checked them out periodically
to see what's going on. So don't blame us if some site you
link to is bad or has stuff on it that offends you or your
pets. Go ahead and link, but remember, you're doing it at
That brings us to what you do on our own site. While we
occasionally listen in on chat groups, or look at the
posting in our discussion groups or on our bulletin
boards, we take no responsibility and assume no liability
for the content of those locations or for any mistakes,
defamation, libel, slander, omissions, falsehoods,
obscenity, pornography, or profanity you might encounter
when you visit such places on our site.
And don't be
stupid by posting or transmitting any unlawful,
threatening, libellous, defamatory, obscene, scandalous,
inflammatory, pornographic, nasty, mean, or profane
material or any material that law enforcement types may
consider a criminal offense, get someone in court on a
civil lawsuit, or for that matter violate any law --
anywhere, anytime. While we certainly respect your
privacy, we have no choice but to fully cooperate with any
law enforcement authorities or court which might ask us
who might have posted nasty stuff on our site.
Software that we use on this Site is protected by all
sorts of patriotic U.S. laws. Because of that, you can't
download or send the software to anyone in the vacation
travel spots of Cuba, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Iran,
Syria, or any other country where United States has
embargoed goods; or (get this) to anyone on the United
States Treasury Department's list of Specially Designated
Nationals, the U.S. Commerce Department's Table of Deny
Orders, or the FBI's Most Wanted Internet Creeps List
(just kidding on the last one). As if that were not tough
enough, if you live in or are a national of any of those
lovely places, you're not even supposed to be reading this
page, so beat it!
We're also allowed to change this page and anything else
on the site any time we want to. That's because it's ours
and we have the programmers who can do it. If we do change
the page, then you're bound by [read: stuck with] those
changes, too, whenever you visit our site.
If either of us wants to make something of it and wants to
“sue” (a dirty word) then we have to follow these
rules of engagement. (sort of according to the Geneva
This Agreement is governed
by the laws of the State of Queensland, Australia, without
regard to principles of conflict of laws.
To the extent you have in
any manner violated or threatened to violate
Localwebsolutions.com and/or its affiliates' intellectual
property rights, Local Web Solutions and/or its
affiliates may seek injunctive or other appropriate relief
in any state or federal court in the State of
Queensland, Australia, and you consent to exclusive
jurisdiction and venue in such courts.
Any other disputes will be
resolved as follows:
If a dispute arises under
this agreement, we agree to first try to resolve it with
the help of a mutually agreed-upon mediator in the
following location: Brisbane, Queensland. Any costs and
fees other than attorney fees associated with the
mediation will be shared equally by each of us.
If it proves impossible to
arrive at a mutually satisfactory solution through
mediation, we agree to submit the dispute to binding
arbitration at the following location: Brisbane,
Queensland, under the rules of the Australian Arbitration
Association. Judgment upon the award rendered by the
arbitration may be entered in any court with jurisdiction
to do so.
If this all sounds kind of
mean and undiplomatic, you should have seen what the
lawyers gave to us in the first place. We had to remind
them that human torture and sacrifice was outlawed in
Australia and the United States. Boy, did they look